purplethoughts

2007-05-18T18:15:00.001-07:00

Flying Carpet

I really love my flying carpet. It’s really cool. I think I was eight, when my mother took it out of an old chest in our attic and told me that my great, great, great grand father (I don’t remember how many “great” she mentioned) has left that for me. She told me that unlike the common stories told by the Disney books, Aladdin never owned this carpet. “He borrowed the carpet only a few days to impress his date, the princess”, she said.

After school, when it gets dark, I jump on the magic carpet and go around the world. My mother forbids me from flying during the day. She says that they may shoot at me thinking that I am a Russian fighter jet. She is very afraid that the carpet gets bullet holes.

Usually the first place that I fly to is the nearest airport control tower. People there get really nervous when I get close. They can not figure my flying object. Their radars get jammed and they make all the planes stay in standby position for hours. I laugh really hard.

One good thing about this carpet is that it does not need any fuel. That is a blessing especially with the price of gasoline these days. It also doesn’t need oil change or tune-up. I don’t know how many miles are on this carpet. It must be in billions. My mother says it still has low mileage comparing to other carpets of that year model.

When I was younger, I used to drive the carpet really fast. I raced with all jets and space shuttles. I don’t speed any more after the day that I was about to have a head-on collision with a flying saucer. Thank God I didn’t get hit. Later I heard that those guys in the UFO lost control and crashed somewhere in Roswell, New Mexico. Oops, Sorry...

My mother has put many rules for me to ride this carpet. I have to wear a helmet all the time. She says a meteor might hit my head and injure me for life. I like wearing a helmet too. My hair doesn’t get messed up in the high wind.

It may be true that this flying carpet, unlike airplanes, has fresher air and you can even smoke on it, but I think it was not designed well. Whomever that designed it, did not know much about flying. Perhaps he or she was simply a carpet weaver with no mechanical engineering background. For instance this carpet could use a nice stereo sound system, a seat belt or some kind of windshield. Every night that I come back home from my routine flying, I have almost a pound of bugs and insects in my mouth. My mother always screams at me that why I did not shut my mouth during the flight.

I have traveled all places of different continents on the earth, Except the Middle East area. My mother declared that area a “No Fly Zone”. She says there are too many bombs and gunshots in that area and it is not safe for the carpet. This is so sad. I wish my (whatever number) grate grand fathers never find out that this carpet is not able to fly over their homeland.

Once a week, as my mother has ordered, I wash my carpet in the bathtub.

Then I hang it outside in the sun to make it dry. My mother is afraid of sending the carpet to the drycleaners. She says they may figure the pattern and sell it to the Chinese, and then they make millions out of our carpet and fill the market with bad duplicates.

Yesterday when I was blow-drying the carpet to make it dry faster, I noticed a running tread on the left corner of it. I hope my mother won’t see this. She may not let me ride the carpet again. It must have happened last week when I was flying too low and got too close to our city’s television station’s tall antenna. I heard a rip sound too. I only wanted to get a better view from the “nudist camp” near the TV station.

I asked my mother a few nights ago if I could ride a girl with me on the carpet and fly together. I have seen this pretty blond girl that is parachuting every afternoon near my house. I love girls who are not afraid of heights. I think she likes me too. She always keeps staring at me when she is passing me in the air. I hope she is interested in me and not my carpet, like some of those girls that are only attracted to a man because of his car or boat, or his private plane.

My mother said that the girl should not be fat and overweight because this ride sharing may put pressure on the carpet’s transmission. Thanks God that the girl is skinny.

I am so excited about flying with her. I will see her next week and then I can ask her to ride with me. I can not wait until next week. I lie on my bed, close my eyes and pretend that I am flying with her. I imagine kissing her lips in the highest altitude of earth with a sound that is a combination of a passionate kiss and a high blowing wind vibrating our lips. A noise that may sound like this: oomm..Rararara..oommm…

2007-05-18T18:13:00.001-07:00

Short Takes

For: Steven Wright

I have a fetish sense of humor .Unfortunately most people don’t have a perverted mind to understand it fully.

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a “Whopper”. “They sell that at Burger King, not here” the cashier said. I asked for the manager. The cashier asked me why I wanted to see the manager. I said: “I want to see if he can run to Burger King and grab me a whopper”.

I was warned by my friends about the low quality of merchandise in the “Dollar Stores”.

I think they were right about this. The other day, I bought a flash light that its light beam does not shoot straight.

I went to McDonald’s the other day and asked for a “Big Mac”. The cashier said: “I am sorry sir, but after all the news about the mad cow disease we only serve “Medium Mac”.

I would like to be murdered, rather than dying by natural causes. I figure this will give me an after life thrill to see if my murder mystery was solved or not.

I like to fake that I am dead and ask a friend to put together a fake burial and funeral for me.

Then I want to see who will not show up so I can go and stick a knife in their tires the next day.

I think most fast food joints that stay open till late night are for “high” customers. They are doing good business. One day I’ll open a chain of fast food restaurant called: “Weed & Feed”.

I like to tease on the geek clerks in the computer shops. I go and ask them if the computer that I am trying to buy has any oil change schedule.

How come nobody takes the restaurants that charge more for the chicken’s white meat than dark meat to court for racial injustice?

I’d rather be killed by a jealous husband than a wife that kills for pleasure.

I’d rather be killed by a jealous husband than a government that represents him.

How come Indian owned convenient stores, whose store smells with strong curry smell, never have curry powder on their shelves to sell?

There is not much information about life after death, not even on the internet. I called God the other night and asked him to send me some pictured brochure on life in heaven and hell so I can choose smarter.

I like to die young. I heard that chicks in the “Hell” dig younger souls.

I was kicked out of this religious gathering only because I asked if the world after death is round or flat.

Of course I can not have everything. How can I explain that to others?

He always wanted to be a famous serial killer. His career stopped when he decided to commit suicide.

I went to a locksmith to have him make a duplicate of my house key. I realized that I forgot to take the original key with me. He told me that he can not make a key for me without the original. I said: “Come on man! Where is your sense of imagination?”

I believe in reincarnation. When I was on earth down there, I killed a soldier in a war. Now we are close friends in life after death.

I see my dreams on fast-forward. I figured that I can save lots of sleeping time this way.

I went to the food court of the mall. I got me a Greek salad. The cashier asked me what kind of dressing I wanted on my salad. I said: “Greek would be nice”.

When I was in the hospital they gave me IV as food for 3 days. I really liked the taste of it but none of the nurses knew the recipe.

I don’t like organized religion. I don’t want to be too formal with God.

Once I had a mime girl friend. My neighbors loved her. She never screamed during her orgasm.

Once I had a flying carpet. I used to have fun with it. It made the airport control tower guys real confused.

If you take X-Ray from a fish with no bone, would it be a blank film?

I think the owls are really nice birds; more people will buy them for their home only if they could get rid of their stuttering problem like parrots did.

2007-05-18T18:10:00.001-07:00

Memories of a Dead Person!

Wednesday, October 22

Oh God, it is so tight and dark here. I think I have been here for about 3 hours. Out there, the weather was very hot. Here it’s cool and pleasant, only if it wasn’t too dark. Why am I here?

Thursday, October 23

I am starting to panic now….Okay, enough with your silly jokes. Somebody get me out of here. Hey, you out there… get me out. I am not dead. Come on; don’t tease me any more…hello?

Friday, October 24

Today, all day I was thinking hard, trying to figure why I ended up here. Vaguely I remembered the last picture in my eyes. I was crossing the pedestrian’s line and there it was: A shiny, red, convertible sport car speeding towards me. I saw another image too: a young blond woman who was putting lipstick while looking at herself in the car’s mirror. I remember her scream and… then; bang! Pain and blood was the last thing that I remember.

Later I saw a bunch of men and women in white uniforms standing around me scratching their head and talking about me. I tried to say something, but nothing came out of my mouth. Finally one of the doctors took a coin out of his pocket and flipped it in the air. I don’t know if it was head or tail, but I am sure the young doctor won the argument. He called somebody to transfer my body to the morgue.

Man! It was freezing in there. I was totally naked with a thin sheet on me. They even didn’t care to throw a blanket on me. All of my body’s hair was erected. Thank God that I didn’t catch a cold!

Saturday, October 26

I have missed the world outside. Saturday night used to be a big night for me. I went out with friends, hung around bars and night clubs and stayed up all night. Thank God I don’t have a date with my girlfriend; otherwise she could kill me because I didn’t ring her for the weekend plans.

Sunday, October 26

Today is really nice and beautiful, Very sunny and mild. The cemetery is very crowded. Many came to visit the lost and loved ones. Most graves have visitors, but not mine. God damn these phony, so called friends. If I were alive, I am sure that right now, the phone in my apartment would be ringing off the hook. I think a friend who hangs around with you only when you are healthy and alive is not a true friend.

By the way, today they change the time and it gets darker one hour early. Not that it is a big matter for me in this dark hole, but since I have to get up earlier, I should quit writing and sleep. I am so dead tired, and I don’t know why!?

Monday, October 27

Today, I think it was about 11 o’clock, I finally figured my situation. Yes, medically speaking; I was nearly 97% dead. Only a small portion of my brain (which I think it is the part that I never used in previous life) was still alive. Maybe the part that is capable of putting human beings’ memoirs together.

I wish I were alive and I could slap the medical examiner in charge of my case.

Tuesday, October 28

Today I tried to meditate and stay calm. In that situation, that was about the only thing I was able to do. I convinced myself that my situation is not as bad as it looks. Imagine if I was up there right now, I could be stuck in the city’s rush hour traffic, dealing with my stressful job or finding ways to pay my large and small bills. I remember those days (When I was alive) every afternoon about 6 o’clock, when I came from work and park my car in the driveway, I used to ask myself: “You call this life?”

Wednesday, October 29

As of now, it has been about a week that I have not had even one puff of cigarette. It seems that I breathe better than before and have less difficulty with my chronic asthma! If it wasn’t so damp and humid in this grave, I am sure I would be able to get rid of this damn asthma and addiction for the rest of my life! I think; all together, I am more calm and relaxed at this point, even without smoking.

Thursday, October 30

I felt really down and sad all day. I didn’t feel like writing anything!

Friday, October 31

Today something interesting happened. A nice beautiful blond girl in short shorts started jogging near the cemetery and passed my grave within a few feet. The way she dressed could make any dead person alive. I felt that my tombstone moved up a few inches. I know if all of my brain was functioning, then I could go a few inches higher.

Sunday, November 3

Bad news! My yesterday’s memories were eaten by rats. I was taking a nap and somehow a few rats that are usually running around here chewed them all.

I don’t remember what I wrote about.

The light bulb on the tall post near the cemetery was blown out this afternoon and it is really dark around here. The cemetery looks really spooky.

Monday, November 3

Today, early in the morning I jumped up from my sleep by the loud noise of the lawn mowers. A few big men were cutting the grass in the cemetery. They made so much dust. I started cursing because Sunday is usually considered the day that most people sleep late. Then, I remembered that I am dead and time or days do not apply to me.

I enjoyed the smell of the cut grass exactly like when I was alive. Of course my allergy started acting up again. I sneezed all day and scared the hell all those rats.

Tuesday, November 4

I realized that I am not lucky even as a dead person. A fat and short man started jogging around the path through my grave. He had a big and ugly dog running with him. They stood by my stone to take a break. Then the damn dog did his thing right there. The smell was killing me. I was about to throw up. Thank God that it was a hot and sunny day and the dog’s urine evaporated quickly.

Wednesday, November 5

Today they buried a middle aged man next to me. He is a fun guy. Very hyper and acts like he is not dead at all. He talks a lot and tells me about his life up there. It’s good that I have so much time to listen to his stories, since he started from his childhood time.

Thursday, November 6

Today it was raining all day. My casket started leaking really bad and I was soaking wet. There was lots of thunder and lightning up there. I must say I am happy that I am not out there with this terrible weather; otherwise I could be scared to death.

Friday, November 7

The other grave site that was on the left of me was filled today. They brought a young girl for that spot. The whole family was there and crying.

She seems very kind and nice. I found out that she is deaf and mute. We had a hard time communicating. You can imagine; being underground and trying to talk in “sign language”. She told me that; one day, out of no where, she got tired of her life and decided to commit suicide. We talked a lot all day and a good part of the evening until it got dark and I could not see her signs. If I was alive, I could invite her for a candle light dinner. But here, this won’t be too practical.

Monday, November 10

It is 3 days now since I did my last memoir. I did not have any time to myself to sit down (or in my case to lie down) to write anything. I got really involved with this girl. I feel alive with her. Now I spend all of my time with her. I never thought that I could fall for a deaf and mute girl specially a dead one. She likes me too and today she said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and I feel that she is dead serious about it. I told her; “if you don’t go anywhere, I won’t either”. She laughed out loud (in her mute way). I laughed at my joke too. Then we laughed together for hours and hours. I think the man and his dog heard our laughter too. I say that because all of a sudden his jogging stopped and we never saw him or his dog near the cemetery again.

2007-05-18T18:08:00.001-07:00

Suspicious package

- Hello..?..... Arthur?

- Who the hell is Arthur? This is R-2. What do you want?

- Sorry, I mean R-2

- Who is this?

- This is Henry Washington, The new chief of anti-terrorist operation. I am calling from the Central Command via Intel-comp... Do you read me?

- Yah, Yah, What do you want? Do you know what time it is?

- Yes I know. I have a clock on my monitor. Listen, we got a few suspicious packages that need to be checked right away.

- Where are the other robots? Why me?

- They are all busy. You know that we come across thousands of suspicious packages everyday. These airports are driving us nuts.

- Why don’t you use the human bomb squads any more? Are they busy too?

- No. They joined the unions and they don’t do dangerous work anymore.

- How nice! Then we have to do the dirty work?

- Somebody has to do it. It is the matter of national security. Where is your sense of patriotism?

- Hello..? I was made in GE factory. I have no country.

- Sorry…I got it. My mistake…but you know we made you to do this kind job.

- I don’t want to be a cry baby, but last time there was an actual bomb in that backpack and it blew in my face.

- That happens. We did everything to put you back together after that accident. I read in your file that we did major bodywork on you.

- It is funny that you call it accident like I am a car or something.

- When the possibility of a package being a bomb is 50/50, we have to call the unfortunate 50% part of it an accident. It’s matter of speech. Take it easy!

- Fine, but you should not have taken me to a Mexican body shop.

- Sorry, you know our budget situation.

- So where is this damn package that I have to check?

- Chicago airport. Somebody is coming to pick you up in about an hour. Concentrate and don’t forget your safety glasses. You read me? This is off of the worker’s comp’s manual.

- Yah, Yah. You know last night I was scanning some of my files in my memory and I came to this thing that some Moslems throw themselves on the mines to blow them up.

- So?

- Why don’t you hire some of these guys?

- Government policy. We can’t hire Moslems after September 11, even if they don’t belong to a union. We do have some Moslem employees, but they don’t like to die with a bang.

- You should make them.

- We can not find a just cause for them to get motivated.

- Sometimes I wish that I could be one of those robots that go with spaceships or satellite stations. Nice long ride. Fix a small wire or cable problem and return to Earth. Safe and sweet job it is. What a life!

- Well, What can I do? You are made for this type of work. Listen, I promise after this mission we do a nice lube job on you and maybe a complete re-wiring. What do you say?

- You call this a bonus? Do you know how dangerous these bombs are?

- I know they won’t kill the robots but I heard the shock in tremendous.

- There you go!

- I promise on the next mission, I put you with Joanne. I heard you have a crush on her.

- It’s Joanne! It is J-0ne. When do you want to get our robotic names right?

- Sorry. I must have heard it from a robot with foreign accent.

- Okay, I’ll do this. Only, one condition….

- Name it

- No more practical jokes, blowing a plastic bag behind my back when I am carrying the bomb.

- Okay. Done!

- One more thing. I need my eyes changed.

- Changed?

- They’re not digital. I can’t see well. The resolution goes bad with the age, you know.

- Okay. Done!

- I will be ready in half an hour. I have to go and polish my metals. I don’t want to look bad in front of the cameras and a bunch of young reporters.

- I see

- While I am getting ready can you send me the updated profile on J-1?

- You got it! I am sending it now. It has her latest photos and her new state of the art wiring diagram.

- Yes, yes... It is downloading. Oh my God…. Wow! She has such a smooth metal. You think she is a virgin? It seems she never went to a body shop. Wow… I think I am getting a short circuit.

- We are breaking up. Can you read me? Did you get the file?

- Wow!

- Hello? Do you read me?

- Wow!

- Good luck on your mission…. Be careful!

- Wow!

2007-05-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Cartoons of words

* On sunny days, my gutters feel a big emptiness.

* The wind of autumn participates in the funeral of the fallen leaves.

* I fill my pen from the ink of dark nights and write about bright days.

* My indoor plants have unfaithful relations with my window’s sunlight.

* She was so ugly that she was recalled from God’s creation factory.

* I have cut my relationship with God. I called him many times and left so many massages. He never called me back.

* When the sun rises at dawn, he kisses the cheeks of the night for goodbye.

* Stars are earrings on the ears of the dark nights.

* Meteors make scars on the face of the night.

* It would be a sad world, if the sun rose at dusk and fell at dawn.

* My cat and my gold fish never miss any peace demonstration.

* The flowers on my Persian carpet do not appreciate the window’s sunlight.

* One of the advantages of death is that, it forces you to quit smoking.

* A woman is like a beautiful rose. The spikes are nothing but relationship.

* I close my curtains at night to stop the darkness from coming through.

* My picture frames were so scared of falling that they were hugging the walls tightly.

2007-05-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Danger of Mobile Phones

A few weeks ago a report was published by scientists and researchers alarming about the new dangers of mobile or cell phones. According to this report, use of these phones will decrease the sperm count among male users! The report added; the more you stay on the cell phones, the more the danger of low sperm count and possible impotency! I heard this on the radio when I was going home.

* I don’t get it. How could these researchers make the rats use a cell phone?

* After hearing the news on the radio, I picked up my cell phone and called my wife. I gave her the news. Instead of being concerned, she put me on hold to answer the other line!

* I called my wife and told her the news. I said: “I am always on this damn cell phone; I am so worried about my sperm count”. She laughed and said: “Don’t worry; I am sure that “they” are all there. If you hurry and come home before the kids get here from school, I will count them for you!”

* I called my wife and gave her the bad news. She said: “You always blame your shortcomings on the technology!”

* I called my wife and gave here the bad news. She laughed and said: “Listen; I have known you since the old rotary phones; you have not changed a bit!” What a relief it was when she said that.

* After I heard the news, I thought to myself; since the phone company charges us by the minute, it would be so cool if we could charge them back with “sperms!”

* After I heard the news, I told myself “Thank God that I made my wife pregnant before this report came out!”

* After I heard the news, I called my wife and told her about it. After a few seconds of delay, she said: “I think you better start hanging the phone from your neck and not on your belt near that area!”

* After I heard the news, I contacted my phone company and told them that I wanted to sue them for the possible damages! They answered back: “You may do so, but only after your “2-year service contract” is over and you would not be our customer no more!”

* After I heard the news, I called my family doctor to ask him about this claim. Before I say anything he screamed at me: “Don’t call me on my cell phone anymore!”

2007-05-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Deep Thoughts # 1

They say: God is the greatest and He is the smartest person in the universe.

I say; Okay, fine! But if He is that smart, how come he couldn’t create some kind of tree producing ready to eat roasted & salted pistachios?

Do you know how many million year human being could save on the time they had spent roasting and salting these raw pistachios?

I know if I was a cool God, I may even consider creating “honey roasted” peanut bushes all over the Earth!