Short Takes

For: Steven Wright

I have a fetish sense of humor .Unfortunately most people don’t have a perverted mind to understand it fully.

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a “Whopper”. “They sell that at Burger King, not here” the cashier said. I asked for the manager. The cashier asked me why I wanted to see the manager. I said: “I want to see if he can run to Burger King and grab me a whopper”.

I was warned by my friends about the low quality of merchandise in the “Dollar Stores”.

I think they were right about this. The other day, I bought a flash light that its light beam does not shoot straight.

I went to McDonald’s the other day and asked for a “Big Mac”. The cashier said: “I am sorry sir, but after all the news about the mad cow disease we only serve “Medium Mac”.

I would like to be murdered, rather than dying by natural causes. I figure this will give me an after life thrill to see if my murder mystery was solved or not.

I like to fake that I am dead and ask a friend to put together a fake burial and funeral for me.

Then I want to see who will not show up so I can go and stick a knife in their tires the next day.

I think most fast food joints that stay open till late night are for “high” customers. They are doing good business. One day I’ll open a chain of fast food restaurant called: “Weed & Feed”.

I like to tease on the geek clerks in the computer shops. I go and ask them if the computer that I am trying to buy has any oil change schedule.

How come nobody takes the restaurants that charge more for the chicken’s white meat than dark meat to court for racial injustice?

I’d rather be killed by a jealous husband than a wife that kills for pleasure.

I’d rather be killed by a jealous husband than a government that represents him.

How come Indian owned convenient stores, whose store smells with strong curry smell, never have curry powder on their shelves to sell?

There is not much information about life after death, not even on the internet. I called God the other night and asked him to send me some pictured brochure on life in heaven and hell so I can choose smarter.

I like to die young. I heard that chicks in the “Hell” dig younger souls.

I was kicked out of this religious gathering only because I asked if the world after death is round or flat.

Of course I can not have everything. How can I explain that to others?

He always wanted to be a famous serial killer. His career stopped when he decided to commit suicide.

I went to a locksmith to have him make a duplicate of my house key. I realized that I forgot to take the original key with me. He told me that he can not make a key for me without the original. I said: “Come on man! Where is your sense of imagination?”

I believe in reincarnation. When I was on earth down there, I killed a soldier in a war. Now we are close friends in life after death.

I see my dreams on fast-forward. I figured that I can save lots of sleeping time this way.

I went to the food court of the mall. I got me a Greek salad. The cashier asked me what kind of dressing I wanted on my salad. I said: “Greek would be nice”.

When I was in the hospital they gave me IV as food for 3 days. I really liked the taste of it but none of the nurses knew the recipe.

I don’t like organized religion. I don’t want to be too formal with God.

Once I had a mime girl friend. My neighbors loved her. She never screamed during her orgasm.

Once I had a flying carpet. I used to have fun with it. It made the airport control tower guys real confused.

If you take X-Ray from a fish with no bone, would it be a blank film?

I think the owls are really nice birds; more people will buy them for their home only if they could get rid of their stuttering problem like parrots did.